As If You Have A Choice
by dangerousdisadvantage
Summary: She’s meant to be passing information to Morgause. She’s meant to hate them all, and especially him. He should be her enemy above all others, above even Uther. So why is she reaching for his hand as if it’s the last thing she’s got to hold on to?
1. Chapter 1

**Title: **As If You Have A Choice**  
Summary: **_Light up, light up, as if you have a choice, even if you cannot hear my voice, I'll be right beside you, dear_; Run, Snow Patrol**  
Pairing(s):** Merlin/Morgana, slight Arthur/Gwen**  
A/N: **This is set three months after the end of series two; the events of The Fires Of Idirsholas and The Last Dragonlord have all happened. If people like it, I'll try to update fairly regularly :)

Chapter One

Morgana leaned against the cold stone wall behind her as she gazed out across the deserted fields surrounding Morgause's castle. To the west of it, a solitary raven rose into the air above the dense forestry where Morgause had once taken her to identify various magical plants. To the east, the distant lake glittered in the weak evening sunlight. She knew that beyond that lake was the path back to Camelot and at that thought, her lip curled. She knew now that her earlier life as the king's ward had been a lie; she was not meant for pretty dresses and jewels, nor for a life allied with the Pendragons. Morgause had taught her well; she knew now how to control her dreams, aided by the bracelet Morgause had given her. She knew how to close her mind to the visions she didn't want and to open it to ones she did. Morgause had said she was a natural at it, and Morgana had filled with pride. Morgause had just begun to teach her how to extend a magical aura which would draw people to her. They would be enchanted by her without quite knowing why. Morgana liked the idea of that. She liked the idea of a lot of the things that Morgause said, actually. Morgause spoke of the days when magic was allowed, when Uther hadn't been so hell-bent on draining magic of the land, and Morgana had listened, captivated. Then Morgause told her about the future. _'You are a being of the future, Morgana,' _she had said. _'One day, you will be the most powerful sorceress in Albion. We're all waiting for that day, every magic-user. We're all waiting for you.' _It was nice, Morgana reflected, to be important for once. Back in Camelot, it had been about Arthur, about the Pendragons, and she was an outsider, never quite belonging. But here with Morgause, she was valued. She made a difference.

"Morgana?"

She turned; Morgause was standing at the top of the steps, looking questioningly at her. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," she responded, standing. "I was just thinking."

"I thought we could continue our lesson," Morgause said, glancing out across the fields to the lake in the distance. "If you get a good enough grasp of this, then we can move on to something else."

"Another spell?"

"No, Morgana. This is bigger than a spell. Shall we see if you are ready?"

"Ready for - ?"

"You will know, in time." Morgause smiled and went back down the steps. Overcome with curiosity - it was the first time Morgause had denied her any knowledge - Morgana followed.

--

Later that evening, Morgana asked Morgause what she had been talking about earlier. Morgause didn't speak for a while, finishing her meal. They were sitting on the steps of the ruined castle, making the most of the mild weather. Then she wiped her lips and looked at Morgana.

"Three months ago," she began, "I took you from Camelot, from the lonely life you would have been forced to live there. You know why I did this?" Morgana nodded. "You had been isolated. You were unhappy. And then that… _servant _dared to poison you. I could not leave you there, not with treatment like that. So I took you from the Pendragon's and their tainting influence. Are you happy here with me, Morgana?"

Morgana looked confused. "You know I am, Morgause."

Morgause leaned forward and took Morgana's hands in her own. "Then I must ask a favour of you, sister. Since you have been here, it has become apparent that you have a natural flair for magic. Once I had taught you the basics of controlling it, you grasped everything I put to you. It seems to me that you are ready for bigger things."

"Morgause - "

"Shh, shh. What I ask of you is this: return to Camelot. Return to them as their beloved ward, kidnapped by a vile sorceress for revenge against Uther."

"Morgause, I can't!"

"Why not?"

"Because - " Morgana struggled to find words. "Because I _was _unhappy there. And I like it here. I don't want to leave."

"Morgana, you must," said Morgause gently. "In Camelot, you can provide me with the information we need to overthrow Uther. You will be invaluable to us, Morgana! And you are the only one who can do it. You are trusted there by the fool of a king, by his son. We would owe you everything."

"But…" Morgana was wavering, torn between her unhappiness at the thought of returning to Camelot and her desire to help Morgause.

"You once told me that you were prepared to help me bring about Uther's downfall," said Morgause quietly. "I ask you now; do you stand by your promise?"

Morgana was silent for a moment. Then she drew in a deep breath, lifted her shoulders, and looked Morgause in the eye. "I do."

--

To be continued?


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks very much for the reviews :) Mnemosyne77, you're right, thanks for pointing that out :)

Chapter Two

It took little effort for Morgause, with her powers, to take a horse from a group of unsuspecting travellers and bring it back for Morgana. Morgana climbed onto it, wearing the green dress she had left Camelot in. Morgause took the reins and led it to the edge of the courtyard. "You remember the way?" she asked.

"Yes." Morgana tried to smile but it didn't reach her eyes.

"I know it's difficult," sympathised Morgause. "But you will be doing a great service for me - for us. And before you know it, you'll be leaving there for good."

"I won't let you down," vowed Morgana.

"I will see you soon, sister," said Morgause, reaching up and squeezing Morgana's hand. Then she slapped the horse's rear, sending it galloping on its way.

--

The sentries at the gates of Camelot were motionless when one of them spotted an approaching horse on the horizon. He alerted his partner and they shouldered their pikes, waiting and watching carefully as the horse grew nearer and nearer.

"It looks like a woman," said one, squinting against the sunlight.

"Definitely a wo - " His companion broke off. "Bloody hell, it's the Lady Morgana!"

"But she hasn't been seen in three months, the king was just about to give her up as dead!"

"I tell you, it's her!"

The truth in the guard's words became evident as the horse trotted across the drawbridge and came to a halt before them. It was the Lady Morgana, wearing a tattered green dress. She was slumping in the saddle, her face drawn and exhausted. The guard let out a cry: "Alert the king! The king!"

--

Arthur was in the council chambers with the various nobles and his father when a messenger knocked hurriedly on the door and almost fell through in his haste.

"What is it?" demanded Uther.

"My lord - the Lady Morgana - "

Hope the likes of which Arthur had never seen flooded his father's face. "Morgana?! She has been found?!"

"She is at the gates, my lord - "

Uther didn't wait to hear the rest; he took off at a run past the startled messenger. The council was still for a moment, uncertain - and then Arthur broke into a sprint after the king, and they followed on his heels.

Arthur caught up with Uther in the lower town and was moments behind him when Uther saw Morgana. He let out a cry - "Morgana, oh, my dear Morgana!" - and swept her up into his arms, almost lifting her off her feet. Arthur peered around his father's back and saw Morgana's face; she looked tired, but she was smiling.

"Father, let her breathe," he said, grinning, and Uther released her, but took her hands in his own, as though he was afraid she might vanish before his eyes.

"Welcome home," Arthur said, and Morgana looked at him for the first time. He stepped forward and embraced her. "So, what happened? Where were you?"

"Arthur, she must rest first," said Uther reprovingly. "Come, Morgana, we kept your chambers for you - " And he led her away, up to the castle. Arthur glanced round at the crowd which had gathered and followed.

--

"Merlin, guess what." Arthur smiled broadly as he entered his chambers. His manservant was perched on the corner of his bed, poking at his armour in the pretence of cleaning it.

"You're no longer a prat and would very much like me to have the afternoon off?" grumbled Merlin.

"Afraid not."

"You found somebody else to clean all your armour?" said Merlin hopefully.

"Nope."

"Fine, you've got me," sighed Merlin. "What?"

"Morgana is back," said Arthur, and as he said it he couldn't help the grin from spreading across his face again. Then he noticed that his manservant's head had jerked up at the words, and his face was white and shocked. "What's up?"

"Nothing," said Merlin quickly. "I'm just… I'm just surprised, that's all."

"She's gone to her chambers to rest. My father seemed ecstatic."

"Is she okay?"

"She seemed fine." Arthur flopped down in his chair and reached for a handful of grapes.

"That's wonderful." Merlin smiled a smile that looked too big for his face. Arthur raised one eyebrow.

"Don't think I haven't noticed how… _odd _your reaction was," he said, watching with glee as Merlin's head shot up again. "You think I'm so oblivious, don't you? Well, I'm not. I noticed straight away, and I know why you reacted like that." He smirked with satisfaction as Merlin's eyes widened.

"I don't - "

"It's because _you're in love with Morgana_," he said with great relish, and Merlin looked stunned.

"I - you - I am _not _in love with - " he spluttered.

"Breathe, Merlin." Arthur chuckled.

"But I'm not - !"

"Whatever you say." Arthur winked at him and stood up to go.

"Arthur - "

"Relax, Merlin. I won't tell anyone." Arthur slid out of the door and then stuck his head back into the room, fixing Merlin with a frankly evil stare. "Yet."

Merlin shouted a "Prat!" after him and heard Arthur's smug laugh as he walked down the passage. He glared down at the armour and contemplated how nice it would be if his magic _was _an instrument for pranks, like Gaius always warned him against, because it would be oh so nice to play a few magical pranks on Arthur sometimes. He smiled to himself… and then it faded as quickly as it came.

_Morgana is back. _

Merlin closed his eyes, his teeth catching at his lower lip. He remembered the feel of the little bottle of hemlock in his pocket, cold against his skin; the confusion on her face when she realised she couldn't breathe; the betrayal in her eyes as she pushed him away, her terrible choking gasps filling the chamber.

Merlin opened his eyes, something like dread pooling in his stomach. He had poisoned her, and now he would have to face the consequences.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: So sorry this took forever to be uploaded! I had problems with my laptop which meant I had to wait for it to be repaired, then get all my Merlin clips back on it, then re-write everything. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed/added to their alerts, I really appreciate it. **

Chapter Three

The next day, Gaius informed Merlin that the king had called a meeting of the court, and as Arthur's manservant, he was required to attend, in case the prince was in need of something. Merlin knew there was only one reason for Uther to call a council meeting; to announce his ward's safe return.

Merlin spent the entire morning trying to convince himself to just get it over and done with, knowing the longer he waited, the more drawn-out and painful it would be. When he eventually gathered the courage to join Arthur (irritable at being kept waiting, though it was nothing Merlin wasn't used to), he'd even felt a little twinge of relief at the wait being over. He was going to have to face Morgana again; he couldn't't hide forever.

Uther was already there when they arrived, smiling broadly. He looked like a completely different person when he smiled; the stern king was gone momentarily, and a father stood in his place. "Lords and ladies of Camelot," he began. "Some of you, I am sure, know why we are gathered. Others may not be so certain. I will not keep you waiting - today we are gathered to welcome back my ward, the Lady Morgana, who returned to us at last." Uther looked to the doors, and the eyes of everyone in the room followed his gaze.

The guards flung open the doors, and in walked Morgana.

Merlin's heart had been dwelling somewhere in his stomach ever since he learned of Morgana's return, but when he saw her with his own eyes, it seemed to plummet into the region of his toes. Guilt and anxiety battled for supremacy and for a moment he felt physically sick. He was vaguely aware of the exclamations of the nobles, of Arthur grinning beside him. But they seemed slightly blurred, as though seen from a long distance.

Morgana was the only clear feature in a sea of haziness. She walked into the court, head held high, black hair tumbling down to her waist. When she reached Uther he embraced her, his joy obvious to behold. She turned to Arthur and inclined her head, then smiled out at the gathered lords and ladies.

"You will all join me in welcoming Lady Morgana back to us," said Uther warmly. "Tonight we shall have a feast. Tonight, Camelot shall celebrate, for my ward has returned to us!" Clapping rang out in the chamber and Morgana tilted her head gracefully.

"It's good to have you back," murmured Arthur, as the nobles dispersed.

Morgana regarded him with the same smile she had worn since she entered. Merlin looked anywhere but at her, trying to make himself as small as possible. He inched a little over so that Arthur was blocking him from Morgana's sight. "I am glad to be back," Morgana replied.

"How did Guinevere take the news of your return?" asked Arthur.

"Gwen was pleased," said Morgana calmly. "She is a good friend."

The words were oddly unemotional. Merlin tried to resist the urge but in the end he couldn't help himself; he glanced at Morgana. She was watching Uther, who was talking animatedly to Sir Leon. He used the opportunity to properly study her. She looked different, somehow; her features were the same, but the way she held herself, the expressions she wore, had changed. There was a disturbingly _dead _quality to her face which matched the lack of emotions when she spoke. Although, maybe he was just looking too deeply into it. She'd been through a lot, after all - and again, guilt rushed up inside him - and he could hardly expect her to return unchanged.

Then she looked directly at Merlin, and the belief that he had been clinging to - she was Morgana, that she had changed slightly but was still the same Morgana underneath it - shattered with the anxiety within him.

Her eyes were frightening. There was no life in them, none whatsoever - they could have belonged to a corpse. When he thought of Morgana, he thought of fire and passion and determination, but now… now there was nothing. The compassionate, strong-willed girl he'd known was nowhere to be found in those cold, grey-green eyes. Merlin shivered.

Morgana smiled, and that too was disturbing. She had precious little reason to smile at _him,_ yet here she was, giving him the same vague smile she'd given everybody else. She turned her attention away from him, and Merlin felt something like shock piercing the confusion he was feeling. Was that it? He'd betrayed her - he'd _poisoned _her! The Morgana he'd known would have stormed in and confronted him, not just smiled absently at him as though he was just yet another person to re-acquaint herself with.

"Come on, Merlin." Arthur interrupted his troubled thoughts. "If we're to have a feast tonight, then I need you to polish the buttons on my best jacket. God knows it needs it…" Merlin followed Arthur, not listening to the list of jobs he was voicing, but nodding as though he understood whenever Arthur glanced at him.

Something was wrong with Morgana, that much was certain. She'd changed almost beyond recognition. Merlin sighed. He'd just have to wait for the feast to see her again, and maybe then he could gather some answers to the questions forming in his mind.


End file.
